200

200th post - and my blog is still self-indulgent and shitty.

i started this blog because i felt lonely. my relationship was not going too well, and i stood alone, fighting for something that did not exist.

my situation now is clearly very different, but it's kinda not, really. back then i denied and i raged. there was betrayal and there was ugliness, unnecessary ugliness.

now? now there's betrayal, but of a different, much more significant and sobering kind. how could this have happened? how is it that i ended up here, away from my life, reliving the death of my father with someone to whom i am much more close, and much more in admiration of?

how is it that i have witnessed the loss of health, the loss of mind? and yet the fight does not end?

i have been quick to admit disease, to wish rest for my mother. but something keeps her here, day after day, still alive, but just as dead.

and i'm harsh, i know i'm harsh. but i should not have to see this again. no one should. and when you've seen the things i've seen then you know the horrors of numanity, of this life we live. there are just too many of us that have seen all this. i'd argue there are few who have not witnessed this horror in one way or another.

it is not a matter of mental health for me now. it is not a matter of how much i've trained for this very moment, how many years of therapy and self=destruction to become the person i am today, the person who came here to help.

all that matters shit now.
because when i see my mother go through the same terrible, prolonged death we had sworn off. the death we lived through with my father and the death i thought would be different this time. when i see her go through this, her, the person i once thought indestructible, then all is shattered.

regression, and anger, and avoidance. all i think about is the cancer smell on my clothes and when oh when is this going to be over? and then i lash out, i should not think that. and then i see her, sick. and then i see her, and i dont want to, and then i wonder who's betraying who here.

THIS MAN HUNG ON MY WALLS FOR YEARS!!

chezina y old school Daddy Yankee.

The Noise 5

I need to break my silence to say this is the video that changed my entire life. this is exactly who i am and who i want to be. my fucking god, YOUTUBE is a message of god, to me, so I could see this agsin.

197

today, on my 197th post, i can say that i am living my worst nightmare.
and i cannot talk about it.

so i bow out, until i can talk about something else.

oh annie.

tomorrow i go back to Puerto Rico, fucking FINALLY.

despite the fact that i hate this goddamn republican red white-man racist godforsaken fucked up state, I WILL miss one thing about fucking Texas.

and that's the hot doctors that have no qualms about touching my hair and hitting on me.
especially when i have felt my most aged, ugly and anti-sexy.

cancer olympics

ever since i became a "permanent caretaker," i've received a number of privileges i'd rather not have.
i get airline discounts because of disability and illness.
i dont get charged for changing my flights 100 times.
i get speeded through the airport because i'm pushing someone in a wheelchair.
i became part of the intimate crew of doctors and nurses that give palliative care to my mother.
i became the person legally responsible for the healthcare (and lack thereof) my mom receives.
i've been nicknamed "cristina the magician" by the same nurses that leave me to bathe, feed and counsel my mom.

i think the very worst of the "privileges" i have had the pleasure to receive is that now i join the motley crue of other caregivers in this cancer center, and we all compete for who has it worse.
here's what i've gathered so far:
have a mom who's sick trumps having a grandparent who's sick, particularly if you are under 30.
having an aunt or uncle or cousin or friend who's ill means nothing at all.
having a son or daughter who is sick can only be beaten by those who are sick themselves.

frankly, i wish there was another competition in which i can come in second place. like, oh, i dont know, a spelling bee. this isn't the success i planned for.