greetings from puerto rico

i am getting used to sweating all the time.
it's a yam-bag simulator up on this island...but it's ok. i'm getting used to it.

i'm getting used to living with my boyfriend, and not having parents, or responsibilities, and being able to sit on my ass for days straight when i want to.

i'm getting used to being lonely, and the black hole in my heart, the void my parents left. i'm getting used to knowing it'll be ok, just not right now.

i'm used to the gossip, and the lack of privacy, and i'm getting used to thinking of "us" and not "me." i'm even getting used to thinking about next year, about our future.

i'm not used to being so alienated. i'm not used to being in an island, on top of an island, all by myself. puerto rico is the atlantic, my apartment is a rock in the middle of the ocean. i'm not used to being constantly alone.

i'm not used to not knowing what i want, to not knowing how to get there, and to not have anyone to ask. i'm not used to never hearing my momma's voice again, telling me what to do.

i'm not used to mother's day and birthdays and closets so full and so empty.

i'm not used to no more chanel number 5.

i'm not used to no more cancer no more mom no more dad.
i'm not used to thinking about the family i'm beginning to make for myself.
i'm not used to thinking about weddings, and children, and dates and planning.

i'm getting used to changing everything i ever knew.
i'll never get used to never having her back.