Appropriate

I've always wished I had an amazing voice. I think it would be an incredible release if I could belt out my favorite songs, tunes that mean the world to me, that have changed my mind and my life. It would probably even inspire me to write some of my own. But really, I just want to sing. Dark songs, songs that sound like I'm crying. But I also want power in my voice, in songs that are loud and fun.

People with great voices often intimidate me. I convince myself that they are better than me, even if it's completely irrational to think so. Come to think of it, I do this with pretty much any talent. Especially any talent involving the previous gals of the men I've been involved with.

I think my feelings of inadequacy stem from my perception that I don't have many talents, and that I am too young to have any actual quality experience under my belt. I've also always felt that I come with excessive emotional and life baggage, and that's a lot for someone to deal with. I'd rather be "the girl who can (insert talent here)" rather than be "the girl who has a lot of shit to deal with." I'm trying excessively hard to shed that title. In my efforts to stop talking about everything that's going on, however, I've managed to become closed off and emotionally unavailable.

fooled you

Is it easier, or at least somehow "better," to keep things from the person you are dating? By this I mean protecting them from your demons, from all the things that freak you out, to pretend to be strong all the time, even if you and everyone around you knows it's a front? On the other hand, your insides can completely freak people, but particularly that one person you spend the most time with, out. So you try to remain strong while really, you're ripping at the seams.

This goes for everything. Do you hide it when things bother you about the relationship, dismissing them because either they're not issues SO big that they'll break you up so they're not worth fighting about, or simply because you don't want to be a nag. So you end up never saying anything about anything and one day exploding and bringing up shit that bothered you 2 months ago.

Trust is a crazy thing, and when it's lost, it's incredibly hard to get back, and no amount of trying on your part can do it if your heart isn't ready. So do you say that to your partner? Or do you keep it to yourself, like everything else?

wtf

The results of sex are so cliche. I've never done this (really - it's kinda sad), but even NSA sex has its emotional repercussions. Yes, some people can get away with guilt-free, feels-fantastic, would-do-it-all-the-time random sex, but really, most people I know feel some sort of remorse the next day because
A. they were too drunk.
B. they felt awkward leaving the next morning (or an hour later - whatever).
C. they really shouldn't have hooked up with that person.

Sex with someone you know and potentially love is so much worse though. Immediately all your feelings get in the way of everything, you run the risk of mistaking sex for actual intimacy, and then BOOM! You've fallen in THE SEX TRAP.

Take, for instance, the subject of having sex with a guy with a past. You know, basically every single guy ever, or at least in New York. Just because you're sleeping with him doesn't mean he doesn't still think about his ex, or worse yet, it DOES mean that you are obsessed with thinking that he still thinks about his ex. Sure, you're the new girl, you're the one sleeping with him BUT for all you know (and you don't, but you think you do), they had actual intimacy, and all you have is sex. The sex trap.

But do you have something more? You may never know because everything is clouded by your inability to see beyond the ex(s) factor. So there may very well be love, and intimacy, and something even better than he had before you. But you'll never know or believe it. You think all you are is a good lay. And if you think about that too much, you start questioning your sex skills. So despite the fact that the sex is great and you certainly do not want to give it up, it has really set you up, hasn't it? It's trapped you into a corner of insecurity and doubt, but is that anything new? I certainly don't think so, not for me.

Explanation

I'm 23, I live in New York, I work, but really, who cares?

Some people say I'm the worst liar ever, that everyone always knows what I'm thinking. Great. I'm done lying then.

I've done the online journal/blog thing before, but I got bored. I needed a fresh start.

I'm terrified of change. I crave it desperately, but when it comes right down to it, I can't move to make it happen. I am often afraid that I am a fraud, that even though your 20s are supposed to be the time of self-discovery I will never find out exactly who I am.

I don't trust most people, especially men, and despite this reason, I have been "involved" with someone or other throughout my entire adult life. Fantastic.

Oh, and I love to avoid the topic. Any topic, really. Just change the subject already! QUICK!