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it took me awhile, but i finally realized how involved i am. over the course of some time now (longer than i'd care to admit), i've seen changes in me, feelings swell and fear take over. i'm terrified of getting hurt, and even more terrified that i'll never be that person for you. there it is again, intensity. i can't breathe, it's taken over. it's up to you now i guess.

karma?

I have a real problem getting over things. I love to think that I am easy-going and laid back, when in reality anyone who has ever known and loved me has made it perfectly clear that intensity is one of my main (and perhaps adorable? nice try) traits. Because of my constant denial, it takes a long time for things to fester in my head and really sink in. I think I have moved on, then suddenly WHAM, 2 months later, there it is, the same issue that bugged you, or made you cry, or completely took over your life, now back to come out and play.

I'm never really over anything. I know that because right now, just when I thought I was done forever with my recent breakup, I am right back to that month when everything happened. And I can't stop crying.

mojo pin

Sometimes I don't know the difference between needing and loving. When you need, selfishness rules, and although perhaps you pretend to live and breathe for the other, convincing yourself that you are giving your all for happiness not your own, the reality is quite different. In needing you are merely feeding your own mind and heart, because the thought of being alone is so terrifying you simply cannot let go, so you invest in this plastic future that is merely there to protect you from yourself.

What is love, then? If needing involves giving yourself completely for selfish reasons, does love involve the same for unselfish reasons? Is love merely an extension of need simply modified because you are thinking about someone else? I always thought love involved wanting soemthing more with the person you're with. It wasn't just about the feeling like you can't live without other, it was about future, about enjoying time, about being wrapped up in everything us. I don't think this is possible in the feeling of need simply because the main thought is always fear of losing, and all concentration is focused on not.

Is there a middle ground then?