the real c?

i can be very mean. i don't take calls, i ignore, i snap, i talk back, i bitch out, i am mean.

i've always known that i often do this to people i don't generally care for, or who i once cared for, but are now on my shit list. this is acceptable to me. but it has become known to me that i do this to everyone. even people i, in theory, like, or even love.

this can take shape in a few ways.
1) i spend too much time with you. i get bored. i start avoiding. this is mean.
2) you do something to piss me off. i don't tell you. i let it sit, and start taking it out on you, without you ever knowing why i am treating you like an enemy.
3) i realize you have this one flaw that i may possibly never get over. this traumatizes me, i realize i need space. i get distant and bitchy.
4) i simply cross the line between sarcastic and just plain mean.

this past week alone, i have been VERY mean to:
1) most of my current close friends
2) a friend who pissed me off, i never told her, blah blah blah
3) a friend who doesn't know that i am tired of her, and who has tried to contact me numerous times, with me completely ignoring her. i am not proud of this.
4) 2 ex flames (both who probably deserve it, but still)
5) some dude i dated for a split second, who wants his shit back, and who i have been avoiding since october.
6) a patient at the place where i'm volunteering (this was probably the first one i felt any remorse about)

i am very upset with myself, but i am even more upset at my indifference with all this. i mean, is this really the way i'm going to be? maybe i'm just tired. or maybe i'm just an asshole.
i am sorry though.
see? now everyone's going to hate me MORE.