lately

i've realized that as much as try, my wounds are much too open to let anyone in, no matter how great (or not great) they are. i've said this a million times, but as much as i think i'm great and moved on and ready for my next relationship, suddenly i get an awful feeling, a memory, of ex #1 or ex #2 or even that other one before them, and i feel that i hate everyone all over again and that i'm just not ready for anything.

maybe i never will be.

i suspect that something very awful is happening around me, right in my face, right where i breathe and where i walk, and it's driving me crazy. i think it's holding me from completely letting everything go. the rage is overwhelming at times.

soon. soon it'll be nothing to me. they'll be nothing to me. and i won't care and everything will be me.

fuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck youfuck you

i hate you.

and you, the other one....call me dammit.

i had an amazing first date last night. i'm shocked, and refreshed. don't want to get my hopes up or anything, but i was very happy to hang out with someone who was so open and willing to talk to me about everything. we got into deep conversation, we were both very much ourselves, and it was very casual and relaxed. finally.

autumn

my life is full right now, which is great. the weather is finally cooling off, the city giving way to my favorite time of year. it seems that in the history of my life, fall is when everything happens. i am immediately happier, i get a jumpstart, i realize what it is i have to do. that's what's happening right now. it's a new start, all because of 60 degrees.

i'm trying to mend the relationship between my mother and me. the fact that she's sick makes everything harder on both of us, and i've been trying extra hard to be sensitive to her feelings and her struggle. it's just hard in the middle of feelings of anger, of missing my father, who i've been thinking nonstop about, and dealing with my mom's cancer and beyond. it's a crazy time.

i have so much to say, but right now, i just don't want to talk about it.