i should clean more often

i have a bit of a problem with housekeeping. while i'm not dirty, per se, i am rather messy and i tend to keep things piled up around the apartment.

a few minutes ago i decided that before i leave for the night i was going to freshen up my kitchen and my bathroom. after i finished scrubbing the toilet and gathering all the beer bottle for recycling, i noticed something that made me stop in my tracks to sit and think.

this past february, my boyfriend got me a bottle of expensive pink champagne for what was to be our valentine's day dinner. we had been dating for 2 1/2 years, and although he didn't know it at the time, i was itching to get out. either way, we kept the bottle at my apartment, and he thought nothing of it. except a few days later, and only 3 days before Valentine's day, we broke up.

the bottle remained in my fridge for a long time, and i wasn't sure what to do with it. Cut to the summer. My ex and i had been apart for awhile now, and i was in love with someone new (someone you've heard mention a few - or a lot - of times). New person and I had planned a whole brunch at my apartment, with movies, music, food, the works. Just us. And yes, I decided it was a great time to open that bottle of champagne. and yes, i did feel a tad guilty about it. but i was in love! and it had been sitting there for months!!

anyway, just a few moments ago, while rummaging through my wine bottles, i discovered that all this time, through everything that has happened since (an end to that new relationship, some drama, you know, the works), i had managed to save that empty bottle of fucking champagne.

and it made me think. my ex, the one from february, and i now have a wonderful relationship, one that took awhile but is now exactly what we both need. i absolutely consider him one of my closest friends. the other, the one from recently, and i have not had as much luck. perhaps because of stupid stuff, perhaps because of valid feelings, but either way, it's absolutely a sad situation. and i hope that at some point soon i will stop believing all the things i currently do about him, so that if i had found the bottle then, i wouldn't have had the urge to hurl it at his head, or do what i actually did, which was throw it out.

concert season

tonight starts a few weeks of concert-going for me.

first up, the australian pink floyd show. i guess it's a relatively well-known pink floyd tribute band that my friend loves.

next, on the 5th, is goldfrapp, which i absolutely CANNOT wait for.

on the 9th is dave matthews, at the request of a friend. never seem them live, so i'm going with an open mind.

and finally, on the 11th, is fiona apple. no words can describe how much i'm looking forward to this, even though i may end up going alone since my date now has a last-minute trip on the same day. bummer. extra ticket up for grabs! unless i can convince elba or alex to come, but i doubt it. ugh.

anyway. aussie pink floyd, here i come.

my father's birthday

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Because of sad circumstances, I ended up taking a train to Boston by myself early Wednesday morning (instead of driving there with my close friend), but was still looking forward to seeing the wonderful Maria Eugenia and her posse of outlaws.

our weekend consisted of relaxing, reminiscing and eating. and eating. it was exactly what i needed, and i even had some time to do some soul-searching. after eating some ridiculously good turkey, that is. i don't know, i think even though boston isn't the place for me right now, my visits there recently have really adjusted my attitude towards my life in new york. i love it here, it's my home, and i miss it when i'm away. i don't think i want to leave, even though lately i've been longing for Puerto Rico. who knows where i'll end up, but for me, right now, new york is it. boston reminds me of that while still allowing me to love it there.

as for my friend(s), i realized this Thanksgiving, the day that would have been my father's 60th birthday, that i have the best ones. simply put, the main thing i have to be grateful for this year is the honor of having the greatest, most loyal and loving friends in the world.

mourning

i know the feeling that has taken over me quite well. often i'm happy and content and ready for anything. but then there are these dark depressions, sluggish moments, where everything seems bleak and finite and pointless.

i am leaving for Boston tomorrow to see friends, but part of me wants to stay in New York alone and face whatever it is that is stopping me from enjoying my life completely.

really, though, it would just involve listening to a lot of jeff buckley and robi rosa, so it's probably best that i just shut up and go see Maru.

bliss

sometimes Santiago is all i need.

i'm really glad i didnt throw up

birthday party was raging success. moments of note included my best friend, the person who means more to me than anyone else, came as a surprise from Boston, I saw people i hadn't seen in almost 3 years, and felt so much love i could barely stand it. the fact that maxim and maru and christian came from out of town, just for the night, and left early this morning after no sleep, really blew me away. i have never felt more honored to have such amazing friends.

as for me, after a trp to L'express after the party, and a conference call to relive everything that happened, i feel good. i wish i hadn't lost my voice though.

on reggeaton

you know, there has never been a time where i have felt more Puerto Rican, more connected with my people, than now. i mean, i was born, raised, and cultivated in Puerto Rico, meaning that i should have felt this way a very long time ago, but in my 17 years on the island, i didn't always feel like i belonged.

now, while living in New York, where most of my friends are PRs just like me, who grew up minutes from me, who also came to the US for college and beyond, NOW i feel culturally stable. and i think it's because of reggeaton.

the music of my people, you see, has completely bonded me and my friends, and it ALWAYS makes me feel at home. it does so much more than that though. when people dismiss it as ghetto and trashy, i defend it as i would defend my island. when others question its musical value, i stand up, shake my ass, and prove that music you can dance to is the best music of all. reggeaton, i believe, has elevated my moods when i need it the most, all while speaking of sexual acts, women in g-strings, and haters. it has done it all.

when my friends called me from Barcelona, only to have me listen to a Daddy Yankee song that was playing at the club they were in, i knew we had made it. Puerto Rico, Daddy Yankee, and me.

cristina in a nutshell

just a peak of me, of what i normally look like when i'm in a decent mood. the killer blonde is one of my best friends, who would kill me if she knew i put her up here.

whatever reference #423 aka speed dial #2

when i was involved in the one relationship that was real, based on mutual love and respect and assumed to be forever, he was my speed dial #2. upon our then-horrific-now-ok breakup, that space on my phone, my preferred mode of communication that is always with me, became empty again. when i became involved with someone else, there was the song, by zero 7, speed dial #2, that described the very essence of my relationship with this spot on my phone and my ex. "i don't need you anymore."

when my new partner became speed dial #2, i tried not to think that the spot was forever jinxed, and even hesitated for awhile before putting his number there. but it should have been no surprise when just a few weeks later, as predicted and despite the fact that we had been flirtingthendatingthenseriouslyinvolved for a long time, our relationship went sour. and just like i returned the keys to his place, i emptied my speed dial. "i don't need you anymore."

on dating

i think that dating is a lot like looking for a job. you give out your number, just like you would give out your resume, to as many fish as you can, hoping one (or more than one) takes that bait and you end up with a prize (a job - or your next great love). you put yourself out there, try to look your best, dress up for the sell to potential suitors, and most importantly, try to forget that time you got hurt - badly. the one, or in my case, hundred, bad experiences that almost took you out of the playing field forever. it may have even made you contemplate switching teams. but no, your friends tell you. you must keep trying. as much as it pains you, the process does yield results. you will rewarded for the search.

well you know what? fuck that.
as of today, my number is unlisted, i have a lesbian lover, and i am out out out of the game.

gonna sip bacardi like it's your birthday

so my birthday is coming up on the 21st (turning 24, which seems WAY more legit than 23 - more adult. i'm excited). i'm usually very big on birthdays, and this year is no different. i've been talking about it for weeks and am driving everyone crazy with plans. i've decided to throw myself a party, which is a bit nerve-wracking because i usually HATE having any attention centered on me. originally it was going to be just for my core group of 10 or so friends, at my favorite bar (which happens to be next door to my apartment), but now through one thing and another, the guest list has extended to about 45 people, which completely scares me. i dont even think i know that many people in new york (although some are coming from out of town). how can i ensure that this many people will have a good time?? i just plan on getting drunk (which means the 2 people who read this can look forward to another horrific drunk post - birthday edition) and just winging it.

my alleged panic disorder can kick in.................now.

obligatory drunk post

i used to be the queen of drunk dialing. today, not so much. although i kinda felt like calling an old friend who lives in LA to tell him how much i miss him. MANHO WHERE ARE YOU?

am i gonna puke? i doubt it.

my mother is in town, which has been fun and emotionally draining all in one.

i randomly ran into an old friend from Puerto Rico tonight, a guy i used to love. He doesn't like in New York, was just visiting, but happened to be at the same bar I was at. It was so comforting and special to see someone else, another one of those people, who have known me forever and remember me from back when I was a person. "You look so different" he said. I am different, i felt like saying.

Anyway, it's late, and I have early breakfast with my mom in, oh, i don't know, 5 hours? HELLO INSOMNIA

PS. dear dude who i used to love who is now fucking that girl i used to be friends with,
that's just gross, and thanks for doing it in my fucking face.
glad we're over, and that she gets to deal with your messy ass,
love,
cristina