sometimes the best wake-up call comes from reading through your entire blog, and realizing who you were then, and who you are now (and how much better things are currently). i knew i had this thing for a reason.

big-boned

after the aleve kicked in, i slept late, and had banana cream pie from billy's bakery (part of the reason i'm feeling some pudge - that place is addictive), i'm back in the game. today was hardly productive, but tomorrow! tomorrow is the beacon of hope!

my mom is visiting, so she came over and redecorated my "apartment." it's always so nice to have someone who knows a little about making a home come help out with yours. things around here look different, somehow better, and now i am loving this place more than ever. as i walked around my 'hood today i realized i love chelsea almost like a person. i never want to leave.

i'm never.
getting drunk.
again.

change

i just signed on to do the most terrifying thing i've ever done. i'm commiting to 2 more years in new york, working a full-time job, going to school at night (if i get in), and volunteering at a pre-med program in a major hospital one day a week, every week, no vacation, for 2 years.

i think my head is going to explode. i'm terrified, excited, and TERRIFIED.
my life is about to be flipped completely upside down.

and it's great.

julio voltio

wednesday night. blowing off steam.
had a rough day of news about my future, decisions to make. i guess i don't really know what i'm doing.
got off work, friend cooked dinner for me.
went to bar, requisite 4 drinks.
tried to go to a lounge, almost fell asleep. left right as the place was getting packed.

i'm trying to be focused, trying to do what's right. but really, i'm terrified. the fear often takes over and i rarely know what to do. just emailed Puerto Rico +1 in an effort to get centered.

in the middle of such a good time in my life, i am completely changing everything i have ever believed about myself. to go to school, typical, but for this, to commit to a long career, and to work 2 full-time jobs while i'm at it, seems not Cristina.

am i really gonna try to be a doctor?

don't leave me

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am going to miss the Black Table SO MUCH.

Today's Waxing Off Article

is perfection. I just love those ladies.

warm sound

you can say i'm a glutton for punishment, but sometimes i try to get over my past by overexposing myself to the very memories that torture me. lately i've been doing this less, trying to avoid certain songs, journal entries, pictures, people. but then there are days, nights, when i think i can handle it, that somehow if i listen to this one album so many times, it'll once again become mine. except maybe it never was mine, it was his, ours, the us i thought mattered.

the more i think about it, the angrier i get that there are musicians i can never listen to again, ruined by this relationship or that one. will this continue to happen? today i was speaking to a recently-singled friend, who said she loses a certain amount of faith after each failed relationship. she's afraid she's becoming jaded. i fear the same thing, despite my current romantic status. i guess it doesn't matter if you're single, crushing, dating or broken up. being completely terrified is a powerful monster. i just wonder when it goes away.

cristina +1

i have bronchitis for the second time this winter, and yet, i am in such high spirits, you'd think i just won the lottery.
don't get me wrong, this personal statement i'm currently trying to write is sounding more like a pre-schooler's declaration of independence than an adult's justification of her past and vision of her future, but right now, coughing and giving birth to an essay is just not enough to piss me off.

Not only is is Spring in January, but I have been enjoying so much good food that my stomach is VERY happy (and slightly bigger than it was in December). Cooking has brought me much joy these past few weeks, and now my apartment regularly smells like garlic, butter, beans, and sometimes cinnamon, instead of the usual stale Santiago smell. Plus when I do go out to eat, it's for sushi or cupcakes, and really, how can you go wrong there?

Work has also been changing in positive ways. I'm about to start doing something different within the same company (if everything goes as planned, that is), which is absolutely perfect. I'm excited about this year at work, particularly if I do end up going back to school. I want to see how it's all going to pan out.

And of course, there's my +1.

TAKE IT

i've been working on school applications tonight, examining my transcripts from various institutions, and reliving my educational career. in between wine and cigarettes, i've come to a few conclusions:
1 - apparently i loved biology during my sophomore year of college.
2 - Drugs and Behavior (the class) taught me nothing.
3 - i spent a lot of time analyzing Fellini, Fosse, Sinatra, and Gangsters in Film. which basically means i spent a lot of time stoned.
4 - my high school years were spent drunk (and not studying)
5 - i was VERY obsessed with that one guy I followed around all through college (this particular conclusion came from examining my old journals, both online and off.)
6 - if i ever get into school again, i will have some serious studying habits to develop.
7 - i REALLY hope i get in. if i don't, i think i will actually move out of state to get into a similar problem elsewhere.
8 - some dude used to call me "salty." but i dont think that has anything to do with my applications.

sigh.

i completely hooked on The Shield. there is just something so HOT about Michael Chiklis. i watch and re-watch my dvr'ed episodes, and, really, it's all about him.

i may just have a new chris meloni.

e.t. go the fuck home

when Maru is here, i realize just how mean I actually am. and I love it. i mean, we've baptized every person who's ever wronged us with a hideous nickname (e.t. actually stands for something that i am too embarrassed, and too scared of who actually may stumble upon this lovely work of blogsmanship, to disclose), and we openly critique everyone and everything.
this being a new year, however, i'm trying to turn over a new leaf. i've been very relaxed, focused on this whole "future" thing, and of course, working on that ny/pr far-away love thing. my life is good. so why do I feel the need to be so catty? human nature, I guess. maybe it's the maru/cristina jinx. hmm.
on another note, in a few weeks 300 of my closest friends are making the trek from PR and all-over for a friend's bday, and m. and I are planning a nice little event on the day before. i've prepared some playlists for the DJ, mariela has locked the local and the invites, and now we're just counting down for our all-out boricua baccanal. with that, my trip to PR on the 24th, and a possible weekend trip for president's day, February should be amazing.
now if only i could get into school and win the lottery so i could pay for it....

or maybe not

we re-introduced ourselves in october, when he came to visit from Puerto Rico. he's known me since I was about 6, when, in his words, I was still hanging behind my mom's skirt. i hadn't seen him in so many years, i only remembered his name, and the fact that he was one of my brother's close friends in high school. i developed a small crush back in October, when I saw him twice. I saw him again a couple of months later and then around the holidays in Puerto Rico.

in the time between these visits, i thought of him often, but i also had some distractions, including someone of the same name, who i ended up steering clear of because of his previous relationship with a close friend of mine (among other things). but then, every time i saw this guy, this person in Puerto Rico, i remembered. i mean, he's 6 + years older than me, he lives in the place I never thought i'd return to (he used to live in NY, but left just before I got here), and really, it just doesnt seem possible.

but he's coming to visit again in a few weeks, and then i'm going to PR 2 weeks after that for a wedding (to which i have a +1 - hmm), so maybe?

que pensaran de nosotros en japon-pon

this weekend was completely ridiculous. a friend of a friend from spain was in town, so ale and i were tourguides for a bit. we hung out with him and his friends on thursday and saturday, and it was on saturday night when mayhem ensued. one of our other friends got into a bit of trouble, and ran away, leaving ale and i to pick up the pieces with hotel security and cops. let's just say it was stupid, particularly because it was late and i had had 4 martinis.

in other news, i've completely changed my apartment. i got a new dresser (my other one was so broken that the drawers wouldn't open or close, so i had them stacked, with the clothes hanging out. it had been like this for about a year) and put away absolutely everything that was on my floor. i also restructured my kitchen and have been cooking every day. as a direct result of these changes i now never want to leave home. i count the minutes till i can come home. i love it.

so basically, my life right now consists of cooking, cleaning, and wasting time till maru gets here on friday. and then there's my obsession with reggeaton. all day, every day. if it weren't for the horrific music blasting from my speakers every night at all hours, you'd think martha stewart lived in my apartment. instead, i dance to don omar at 2 am while cleaning my toilet. my mom thinks i'm a "degenerate." i think i'm relating to my people. the people of calle 13. HA.

How will I survive?

The Black Table is over.

No more Week in Craig or Black List. I might as well just quit life right now, for there is nothing left to live for.

tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday

sometimes, when i wake up with a hangover as nasty as the one i have today, i wonder if a have a drinking problem. i remember snippets of the previous night, wince at some memories of my word vomit and ranting thoughts, as well as my complete innapropriateness, and make a vow never to drink that much (at least during the week) again.

then someone calls with plans for tonight, and i start the cycle all over again. they also remind of something else i may have said or done, and my cheeks flush to match my magenta shirt.

maybe elba was on to something when she said we should stop drinking in '06.

smiling

My holidays were perhaps the best I've ever had. Spending a week in Puerto Rico was therapeutic, and the days since have been unbelievable. New Year's Eve was spent with close friends at one of our apartments. E. provided the food, i provided the music, and really, it could not have been better. at 11:30 we walked to Central Park to watch the fireworks, had a bottle of champagne in the moonlight, then walked back and celebrated all night. the next morning our host made pancakes, eggs and bloody marys, and we nursed our hangovers while we reminisced. That night I went to Westchester with a friend to another celebration (paella!!), and yesterday Christian came to spend the night.

my resolutions have been started, and i am ready to start this great year. it certainly could not have started any better. happy new year.