exhaustion makes for philosophy

so i'm approaching the final hours of a very long day. i woke at 6, was at the hospital at 8 for final housekeeping before my start date (3/14), was at work at 10:30, left my first shift at work at 5, came to Astoria for my second shift at work, and am currently finishing up so I can be home by one. i'm tired, but tomorrow i leave for Puerto Rico (if i manage to pack tonight!), so i am READY.

these weeks have been amazing. i'm simultaneously trying to juggle a variety of challenges at work, have been absolutely swamped with the application process, am overwhelmed with hospital requirements, and am trying to prep for vacation (europe!) all at once.
i'm absolutely not complaining, i'm just wondering how i'm doing this all without completely breaking down.

this week i was asked if everything that i'm up to is out of characted for me, and i completely reassured this person that yes, i am normally the absolute most disorganized, chronically annoyed and generally lazy person (i'd just rather be sleeping all the time) person you've ever met.
so perhaps i'm a bit proud. because this is just plain weird.

living proof my ass

i have been sitting in front of my computer, trying to write something coherent that will determine my future, since 3 pm.
it's not working.

instead, i have come to the conclusion that quitting smoking while i am HIGHLY STRESSED OUT, sleep deprived, and generally a little excitable, was not such a great idea. either way, 1 week, smoke-free. someone shoot me, or at least give me some fucking gin.

besides the fact that i will never be a doctor, i am overall very happy. it's probably all the caffeine, which has quickly replaced the cigarettes. i am laughing a lot, which could be mania. also, one can most often find me singing, which, really, helps no one.

so basically, current self portrait would be something like this:
crazy curls that frizz out like a halo, cracked out eyes that shift quickly, a crazy laugh that is only interrupted by yelps of incongruous Cat Power lyrics, which don't go along with my excessively perky demeanor, but that's beside the point, hands that fidget, looking for something to hold onto, anything!, a leg that taps along to my demented singing ("HE WAR!!!!"), and of course, fantastic clothes.

i belong in us weekly.

in the afternoon

for about a week, i've been on a new sleep schedule, one recommended by a sleep center and a variety of doctors, to help with my really fantastic insomnia and massive oversleeping cycles, and of course, to ease the crazies (au naturel, baby!)
i am supposed to go to bed at midnight each night, NO MATTER WHAT, and rise each morning at seven, NO MATTER WHAT.

i fucked this up on the first day, when i was so beat, that i passed out on a chair at 11:30. see, you're not supposed to even go near the bed, or be in any - uh - sleeping positions anywhere until midnight. but yes, first night, 11:30. so now i do 11:30 - 7. and it is the worst thing i've ever done.

i thought it'd be easy. i'd get routine, and i'd stop going to bed at the most random times ever. i'd stop oversleeping, or waking at 4am.

no. i still wake up every hour on the hour, i just can't make up for it with an extra hour in the morning, i can't take naps, and i can't lie in bed as i please.

also, my mood is generally much worse because I'M SO DAMNED TIRED.

today, when i have a half day at work, the only thing i want to do is come home and SLEEP for the rest of the afternoon. do essay, nap, do essay, nap, pedicure, nap. but no. i will just sit on a chair like a zombie until 11:30.

at least i have much to look forward to this weekend. like for example, going out till 4, then waking at FUCKING SEVEN.
hee.

and.....

i have spilled the following items today:
1 - coffee on desk.
2 - coffee on crisp white shirt.
3 - diet coke on desk. TWICE.
4 - salt on table at lunch.
5 - soap on shirt.
6 - water all over someone else's desk.
7 - chia pet seeds on desk. (yes.)
8 - thumtacks on desk and lap. (this was painful)

not sure why the lack of coordination, but at least my new cube at work is decorated, home-y, and away from major chaos.

i guess i should go home now. i just enjoy being here in the quiet. i can get so much done!
none of which is application essay 1, 2, 3, or 4. BAH.

roller coaster

up and down my life goes, and i go on and try to smile. health, situations, pressure. i'm just trying.
i feel great and i'm trying.
i know my situation, i face my realities, but i try.
today is good, tomorrow looks better.
i think things will be hopeful and fantastic and i think i will be fine.
it's been awhile.

blizzard v.1

the blizzard of 2006 is a very random experience, considering it was 60 degrees only weeks ago.
i came to a friend's house yesterday, and have since gotten stuck here. there are a couple of us here, and it's a sight to be seen.
we're much too lazy to brave the weather and take the subway, so instead we're going grocery shopping for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and waiting for the snow to at least slow down.

i, of course, had a massive day of applications planned, but i guess unless i park myself in front of this tiny computer for the rest of the day, it looks like it's not happening. yesterday didnt look good either. the moma looked better.

i'm so.....motivated!!

migraine schmaigraine

the best part of a sick day is the hope of the morning, when i think that maybe my migraine meds will kick in, maybe my head WON'T keep me in bed all day, with the lights off, and maybe i'll get to enjoy the day. i can read a book! watch my netflix movies! marvel at star jones' weight! perhaps even catch up on some much-needed sleep, since my insomnia is at an all-time high thanks to the absence certain other aids.
then of course, you realize the reason you called in sick in the first place is that your headache really IS crippling, and that any movement other than moving your fingers just so, for typing and lowering the volume on the tv, is more work than you can fathom.
i really thought i would finish that book today. it looks like all i'll be doing is laying in bed, worrying about school applications, a dirty apartment, and how i have no one to discuss The Shield with. for this, i should have gone to work.
also, daytime television is so terrible, i'm about to drag my sorry ass, with this tangle of curls, beater, and enormous sweatpants, to work, just to avoid Judge Hatchett and The View. How the hell did Star Jones lose all that weight?! ugh.
santiago hasn't even gotten up from underneath the covers yet, and it's almost noon!

what kind of life is this!??!?!?!?!? i officially hate being home sick.

survey says no

kodeshfest 2006 is officially over. the birthday party last night, the pre-birthday party on Friday, and the welcome wagon party on thursday. i've never seen so many puertorricans out of exile in my life.
i took a total of 3 pics, including one where heads are cut off.
i have to say, it was fun, but i'm glad this weekend is over. back to normalcy, back to school applications, back to my regular doses of home, instead of everyone i've ever known, and then some, in one place at one time.
so now i make my way to brunch, overdose on Cat Power (whose sold out show in new york is the ONE THING i want to do for valentine's day), and enjoy the simply amazing weather New York has been seeing lately.

boo

our favorite spot has been discovered.

beauty

i have the biggest crush ever on Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway. I think i may be in love.

all the things you said

i guess i always do this, on random nights, when i go out. i get home, get reflective, and drive myself crazy for a few hours.

i need to stop doing this, because right now, i'm going fucking crazy.

i suck

so i was walking home, singing along (loudly) to Goldfrapp's Supernature album. i was happy, bouncy, excited.
i knew i owed my ex Matt a call, because we were supposed to get together a few weeks ago.
i call him up, he sounds pissed.
turns out i forgot his birthday in January.
i forgot the birthday of someone i dated for almost 3 years, someone who i have exceptionally deep feelings for, and who i still remember as the one i didn't know how to appreciate. i guess this proves it.
he was of course very hurt, but played it cool, saying that this basically told him everything he needed to know about our current relationship.
it was like he had stabbed me in the heart.
sometimes i surprise even myself at how self-involved i can be.

see me in a month

why i'm thankful, today, february 1st, 2006:
1 - health, in family and in self
2 - maru (sistah)
3 - security blanket
4 - santiago
5 - bright outlook
6 - emails
7 - friends
8 - "bitch, you ain't white?!?!!?!"