wow

DVR playlist:

Felicity - twice a day, 5 days a week
Saved By The Bell - twice a day, 5 days a week
90210 - 5 days a week
Law and Order: SVU - Tuesdays
Wife Swap - Mondays
The Office - Tuesdays
Top Model - Wednesdays
Martha Stewart Apprentice - Wednesdays
random PBS specials as they come
Francisco Goya documentary on Ovation

I have more, but I can't remember all of it. I'll never get to it all!!

I <3 DVR.

as opposed to

i never realized how weird it is sometimes to hang out with people who aren't from the same place you're from. i often feel like a fish out of water in the US, as though only people from my specific town in puerto rico REALLY understand everything about me, everything i feel and stand for.

maybe that's why i fell in love 100 times last night, why i felt like i was home. or maybe it's cause i was drunk.

i honestly feel happier, more calm, more complete, and more me. i am angry, and i think it was all a lie, but now it's behind me, and i am ready for more. ha, that sounds completely contradictory. but it's how i feel.

anyway, enough about that. santiago (my dog) is getting fat. we need to find a way to slim him down, since walks aren't enough. all he wants to do is sleep though.
i think i'm going to buy a bike, or start yoga. i need to do something active, and i think it'll help with my insomnia.

meh.

here i am

david sedaris has become my god. i've read each of his books so many times, but now i can't get enough. i look for articles, npr contributions, anything. i love him, and his dry, sarcastic humor is therapeutic and of course reminds me of maru, who lives so goddamn far away.

last night i went out for the first time since stupidity (random dinners and nights at friends' houses don't count as "nights out", do they?), and it was weird and funny. the best part of this whole thing is having people treat you like you're sick and trying to heal. either way, going out has never been my thing, but this whole "being single" thing is pretty strange. when i finally dragged my drunk ass home, my neighbors were having some sort of pow wow, and stayed up until way past sunrise, meaning i stayed up as well, thanks to the noise level.

my new life is great. barf.

addicted

i replaced 2 lightbulbs in my apartment today, and suddenly there is light. i can see things much more clearly, find things, enjoy a bright home. funny how the bulbs blew out on the same day things started to become clear to me about so many other things, my relationships, my friends, my job, my life. i sat in the darkness this afternoon for awhile and felt sad about the past, but i think now is the point where i begin to look forward.

at some point, and i think that point is finally now, i have to start taking care of myself, get to know who i am, who i want to be, what i want from life and love. i've been unhappy in relationships a lot, and taken a lot of shit, and it's made me feel self-destructive. i need to stop whining and make a change. i have to get used to being alone, as much as it terrifies me, and i have to stand up for myself.

i find it strange that i have been willing so often to put someone else's happiness before my own. i tried to impress, felt insecure, and was all-around shitty to myself, so how did i expect to have a healthy relationship? either way it's done now, and i'm healthier because of it. i'll be fine and when i don't believe that myself, it's those who love me who remind me that underneath my shattered leftover self, is a strong person. incredible how people who truly love you are always there to prove it, and those who don't run away, and cower.

mean trick

memories are so vivid in my mind, they haunt me, make me cry and smile and wish i could wipe it all away. i still don't understand how this happened, i'm as confused as ever, and i dont really know what my next step should be.

what i do know is how i feel. i feel angry and foolish and heartbroken and stupid. but most of all in love.

i also feel fearful, and lonely. my mind is playing tricks on me, taking me on one journey, convincing me i feel one way and that i should do one thing, then taking me elsewhere. i'm as confusing as he is.

heartbreak

sometimes friends are so full of wisdom. on a day like today, when it just so happens that my best friend lives too far away, and my other soulmates are on vacation in another country, i need those thoughts to keep me alive.

it is so horrible when you feel like you're not enough, like nothing you can do or say will get someone to love you like you love them, to give you everything you want to give them. at first you get sad and upset, wondering what you did to not deserve love. then you get angry, realizing it isn't you. then you get upset again, fearful that in fact, it is. you're just not the right person, not enough, not now, not the one worth the struggle.

so it's your friends that remind you that you were a person before and you'll be a person after, and most importantly, it seems right now, they, the people that have always been there and that know you the best, will be right there standing next to you the next day.

i have spent the last few hours cleaning my apartment, making it my home again. somewhere in the middle of getting involved, i've started following some old patterns i swore i'd never encounter again. i've adopted music, food patterns, sleep schedule, even fucking morning routines. but the biggest thing i've done is abandoned my stomping ground. i've done it gladly and with love, but it's made the nights when i do come home difficult. so tonight i'm working on getting back what i've lost in the middle of gaining.