addicted

i replaced 2 lightbulbs in my apartment today, and suddenly there is light. i can see things much more clearly, find things, enjoy a bright home. funny how the bulbs blew out on the same day things started to become clear to me about so many other things, my relationships, my friends, my job, my life. i sat in the darkness this afternoon for awhile and felt sad about the past, but i think now is the point where i begin to look forward.

at some point, and i think that point is finally now, i have to start taking care of myself, get to know who i am, who i want to be, what i want from life and love. i've been unhappy in relationships a lot, and taken a lot of shit, and it's made me feel self-destructive. i need to stop whining and make a change. i have to get used to being alone, as much as it terrifies me, and i have to stand up for myself.

i find it strange that i have been willing so often to put someone else's happiness before my own. i tried to impress, felt insecure, and was all-around shitty to myself, so how did i expect to have a healthy relationship? either way it's done now, and i'm healthier because of it. i'll be fine and when i don't believe that myself, it's those who love me who remind me that underneath my shattered leftover self, is a strong person. incredible how people who truly love you are always there to prove it, and those who don't run away, and cower.